GUIDANCE, NOT INSTRUCTIONS
I have witnessed and been told how agency representatives, chiefs, chaplains and funeral coordinators, have initially met with the family and began to tell them how things were going to be done. How there needed to be a police funeral, where it should be held because of the anticipated attendance, and when it should be held. All these things may come true but it should be the family’s decision, based on the best information available and after being made aware of other options, not a decision made by an agency representative.
Once I was with the surviving parents, who were Catholic, and the agency chaplain arrived. I was the funeral coordinator and hadn’t started to discuss funeral planning yet. He was a Catholic priest and as he walked in he was very excited to tell the family how he had arranged for the deceased officer to have a funeral Mass celebrated by the Cardinal in the basilica.
From a coordinator’s perspective I was elated, no seating problems and no parking problems. The family looked stunned. Discussions immediately began on how this would take place. I noticed that the parents were hesitant and reluctant to join in the conversations. But then they had just lost their only son a few hours before in a tragic incident. Finally I asked the parents if I could have some time alone with them. They agreed. I told them they didn’t seem to appear to be accepting the funeral mass planning. They said they weren’t. That they wanted their son to have a mass in their neighborhood parish church where he had been baptized, confirmed and they had attended services their entire lives. I told them I would find out if that was possible.
I drove to the church, only a few blocks away. It was small, would hold no more than 300 people. It was surrounded by houses and narrow neighborhood streets. There was limited parking. It would be a logistical nightmare for my traffic coordinator. I had my traffic coordinator meet me at the church.I spoke with the pastor and he promised his full cooperation. My traffic coordinator, a motor sergeant, arrived and told me there was no way we could hold the typical line-of-duty services at this church with the expected attendance in the thousands. It was a logistical impossibility. I agreed.
Being a good motor sergeant, he told me to wait. He had an idea. When he returned he told me how there was a mall nearby with the typical massive parking lot. He asked if we could restrict the actual church service to family and agency members and have all the other law enforcement attendees meet at the mall, form them in a motorcade, and travel to the interment location, about 4-miles down the road. A great idea.
I went back to the parents. I explained to them how the church was to smal lto have all the police officers and friends attend but they had an option.We could have a funeral mass at their church, celebrated by the Cardinal and their pastor, restrict attendance to agency members and family and friends,and then a have a typical police motorcade to the memorial park.
To show our respect for all the officers who would attend the interment I would insure that the interment services and ceremonies were modified to be more inclusive. The parents liked that plan. It was their choice. They had options. The chaplain’s feelings weren’t hurt. The parents were satisfied and their wishes had been fulfilled. Guidance, not instructions.
A chaplain at one of my seminars described how he was with a surviving family when the officer assigned as the funeral coordinator arrived. The officer immediately began to tell the family how there needed to be a police funeral, and that it needed to be at the local sports arena because of the size, and it should be in three days etc. The chaplain was appalled.
I usually tried to meet with the surviving family members a few weeks after the services and review the planning process, and the services. I frequently heard how they did things they didn’t want to do. When I asked them why,they often said:
* They didn’t know what was right, they had never planned any one’s funeral, much less one like this (a line-of-duty funeral).
* The officer seemed to know what they should do.
* They didn’t want to be selfish but they did want it to be a personal family service, and it wasn’t.
* They didn’t want to be confrontational because everyone was trying to help them.
* They didn’t want to argue because they were emotionally exhausted.
They really didn’t want to make some of the important decisions that needed to be made but realized afterwards that they should not have let others make those decisions for them. Were they satisfied? Yes. Were they appreciative?Yes. They accepted everything for how it was intended and appreciated everything everyone did. Would they have done some things differently if given the opportunity? Yes. Did they feel that they were well informed of their options? No.
Now these responses were not typical. But they did occur. And that is the problem. They should not occur. Funeral coordinators, chiefs and chaplains,anyone involved in planning the services etc. should not be giving instructions, but guidance.
I have managed over 80 police funerals and I usually had an idea what the family would end up with agreeing to or wanting, but I learned how to guide them through the process. At times they surprised me and that’s okay. The surviving family’s wishes are paramount.They can only make the best decisions if they have the best information to base those decisions on. They usually had options. My job was to insure they were aware of them, had an opportunity to evaluate them, and made the best decisions that met their needs.
John Cooley
Policefunerals.com
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