I HAVE ONLY ONE RULE - NEVER MAKE PROMISES

Funeral coordinators, chiefs, chaplains, anyone involved in planning the services and ceremonies should avoid making promises. We often feel that making a promise will make the surviving family members feel better and we can take some of the emotional pain away. It’s not what we say, but how we say it. We need to know that we can convey the message without making it sound like a promise. A promise we may not be able to keep.

I had one divisional captain meet with the family and tell them, “What ever you want you will get.” This statement became the family’s mantra, “We were promised, what ever we want we get.”

They began to ask for things that would cost a substantial amount of money and wanted them added to the funeral expenses. They wanted lodging for extended family members who were coming in from out of town, along with rental cars and meals.

I learned from the family liaison officer that these ideas didn’t come from the spouse but from the family members as they arrived and joined in the family planning meetings. They convinced the spouse that they were important too, since many of the spouses expenses were paid for by a memorial organization and donations.

Then they wanted to have the motorcade go by the station as a final tribute to where the officer had worked, but this was a logistical impossibility. The station was several miles in the opposite direction from the route being used from the church to the memorial park. I had to tell the family that their requests could not be fulfilled.

These types of issues I could usually deal with, but what complicated the process was when the word “promised” was used. I got calls from the mayor’s office, union directors, and agency staff officers asking why the family’s needs weren’t being met and “promises” kept.

When I explained who was involved, what had been asked for, and why I couldn’t provide everything they wanted no one persisted in demanding that the”promises’ be kept. But I didn’t need the aggravation and distractions caused by these requests getting out of control because someone had made a promise.

What the family needs to be told is that we, as agency representatives, are there to support them and help them through these very difficult times. That we will guide them through the funeral planning process, provide support services and resources, and help them in any way we reasonably can. That their wishes are paramount but there may be limitations as to what can realistically be done. That we will be willing to listen to and discuss any wishes or ideas and we will determine if they can be fulfilled.

I’ve had families come up with some very unique requests and I’ve been able to provide for many of them to be included in the services or ceremonies.And there were some that just couldn’t be met. And I never had a family complain because their requests couldn’t be made to happen once they understood the logistical ramifications or the expenses involved and why we really couldn’t do what they requested. None of my decisions were arbitrary and every reasonable effort was made to try to determine if or how we could make their requests happen.

The one thing that consistently complicated these personal requests the family members wanted included in the services or ceremonies was when someone had promised them that “What ever they wanted they would get.” So,never make promises.

John Cooley

Policefunerals.com