by John Cooley

It seems like such a mundane topic to write about but this is one of the funeral coordinators responsibilities that can unintentionally cause a significant amount of distress for the surviving family. The family has attended the funeral services and been taken in the motorcade to the memorial park and are waiting for the interment services and ceremonies to begin.

When the funeral is being attended by thousands of officers and hundreds of vehicles are in the motorcade it typically takes over an hour, often a couple of hours, for the vehicles to be parked and the officers to be placed in their formation. So what does the family do? What does the family need? How do we prepare the family for the delay to be seated? By pre-planning!  

Two days before the interment we need to inform the family about what they will be experiencing so that they will know what to expect. They, the immediate and extended family members, need to understand that it will take an hour or more to get everything ready. Then we need to insure that we arrange for everything the family wants or will likely need. We need to plan for refreshments, snacks, and restrooms.

This waiting period would be an opportune time for VIP’s and dignitaries attending the interment services to visit with the family. They are typically parked soon after the family’s arrival and it is a convenient time for them to be introduced to the family. There is much that can be done, should be done and will need to be done and it all has to be carefully choreographed and scheduled.

John CooleyWhen the family wants refreshments or needs to use the restrooms is not the time to introduce visitors. Visitations are scheduled at the family’s convenience and only for short periods of time. Another option is to coordinate an opportunity for the family to mingle with the agency members, who are also waiting.

These waiting periods can easily go from one to two hours. The funeral coordinator needs to insure that the family members are well taken care of and not left to care for themselves. However, who ever cares for them must be able to solve problems and make certain decisions. Children may need to be entertained or allowed to play outdoors. Appropriate toys or games should be brought with them. Caretakers may need to be assigned.

Many memorial parks have the family brought to their business offices that have waiting rooms and restrooms. At other times the family is with the limousines at the grave site. If the family is at the grave site planning may include shade awnings, chairs, refreshments and arrangements to take people to and from the restrooms, vehicles may be needed.

I had a family tell me, after waiting two hours, that they were tired of waiting for all the officers to arrive and wanted the services to begin. We seated the family and started the services. The family’s wishes are paramount. We had a good plan but were overwhelmed by the number of officers attending.

We had significantly more then we expected. The memorial park parking was inadequate and by the time we got the last of the vehicles parked in alternate parking areas and the officers walked to the gravesite, the services and ceremonies were basically over. These things happen.

But as funeral coordinators we need to insure that the family members will be well taken care while they are waiting for the parking of cars and the officers to walk to the gravesite. It is unacceptable, as I have seen many times, for families to be seated inside the limousines or standing around the vehicles just waiting. They have personal needs that must be taken care of or anticipated.

The waiting period at the memorial park is a carefully planned time period. Every funeral coordinator must insure the family’s needs are anticipated or fulfilled. Two days before the services the family should be asked how they want to fill the waiting period and what they would like or need. Then make it happen.          

It is not a mundane planning task, the “no-brainer.” It is very important and can cause the family sever distress and anxiety if not properly planned for. Coordinators need to take it seriously. It’s what we do. We plan for every part of the services, including the waiting periods.

John Cooley
Policefunerals.com

If Not Me, Who?John Cooley

During my 10 years as an agency funeral coordinator and during my years putting on seminars, I have always practiced or advocated one simple principle, “If not me, who?” There are often so many opportunities for a funeral coordinator to interact with the surviving family members, agency members, and agency member’s families, and do more than give them advice. It is so easy to provide lip service when we really should be providing service.

Here are some examples:

At my first few funerals I met with the family members and realized that they should probably get some books or information on grieving and bereavement and funeral planning to help them through these tragic times. But I didn’t know what to suggest and I didn’t ask anyone for assistance. I just thought that someone else should do it, I was busy.

Then as I attended various training sessions on grief and bereavement issues I was repeatedly told that as a service provider I should be providing service, not lip service. Rather than thinking how helpful it would be if the family members had some literature on how to plan the funeral and the grieving process and bereavement issues that they will likely be experiencing, that I should have it and give it to them. If not me, who?

As I spoke with agency members and attended briefings and unit meetings I began to realize they often had the same questions and concerns about the death of a friend and co-worker. Again, I thought they should get some literature to help them understand and cope with their loss.

I discovered that I could go to local mortuaries and ask for copies of the pamphlets or brochures they typically had for visitors on death of a co-worker or death of a friend etc. At first the funeral directors said I could find what I needed on the information table in the waiting room and I would respond by informing them that I needed a hundred copies. They always helped out. Then I learned that I could get pamphlets on the internet and download them if I couldn’t get them anywhere else.  If not me, who?

As I met with officer’s family member’s I often recognized that they were likely in need of counseling; grief, spiritual, or psychological. The easiest thing to do was to tell them that they should contact someone or, better yet, give them a name and phone number.

However, I learned that they would seldom make the call themselves. Someone needed to help them. So I began not only telling them of available resources but I would make the call, then hand them the phone, or make an appointment for them myself. If not me, who?

One night as I approached a crime scene I was met by an officer at the crime scene tape barrier who recorded my name etc. and let me enter. As I was providing my information I asked the officer how she was doing, as she had a tough assignment.

As the officer commented on the responsibilities she had to deal with and a lot of uncooperative people she mentioned that she had known the deceased officer well and how devastated she was by the death. A couple of hours later I noticed that the she was still at the barrier, without much to do.

An agency chaplain was standing with me and I mentioned why I thought it would be a good idea for him to go over and talk with her. The chaplain told me the next day that the conversation, although brief, was very timely and meaningful. If not me, who?

As I worked with the chaplains of a local department I learned that when they made a community death notification or were involved in the death of an agency member they always provided a small book on grief. I read the book and was very impressed with it, it was very comforting. But it didn’t provide a comprehensive description or explanation on the topics of grief and bereavement and, most importantly, planning the funeral. Again, I realized that the family needed more and I provided it. If not me, who?

Often families and co-workers are confronted with the death of an officer or an officer’s family member from causes that are uncommon or completely unexpected. Situations such as suicide, substance abuse, AIDS, and SIDS will cause the typical bereavement responses in people but also include additional responses of disbelief, emotional conflict, and wanting to find someone or something to blame.

Once again specific literature about these unlikely causes of death will be necessary to inform, educate, and help anyone and everyone to better understand what has occurred and how their feelings are normal and what they need to help themselves and the involved family. So who will provide this information? If not me, who?

Many times late at night I would be the last agency representative to leave the surviving family’s home and I would be saying to myself that there should be someone at the home to help the spouse, to protect her from all the well intentioned but aggressive family members and friends in the house who were telling her what she should do or how she should feel. Then I would turn around and go back inside and either find someone I could trust to protect the spouse or do it myself. If not me, who?    

As a funeral coordinator I either experienced or learned about the difficulties people were experiencing when an officer or a member of their family died. I knew that there would be opportunities to provide literature that would help them cope with and understand the grief they were experiencing. I knew that there would be people who would need more than a book, that they would need support or counseling. I knew that there was a lot I could do, if I wanted to. I knew that there would be a lot of people giving lip service about what people should do to help themselves or others. But I also knew that people in crisis were the most unlikely people to realize what they needed to do or to do what people suggested for them to do. People in crisis need support.

If they say they would like a chaplain, call one. If they are having problems grieving, arrange for them to meet with a grief counselor. If they don’t know about what to expect at the funeral home to plan the funeral, give them a book that explains it all and go through it with them. And the list goes on.

Because, “If not me, who?”

John Cooley

Policefunerals.com

A LATE NIGHT CALL…

While a funeral coordinator for my department, I received a call-out late one night about an officer’s teenage daughter who had committed suicide in their home. By the time I arrived a patrol unit was there with two officers conducting a death investigation. There was also a patrol sergeant at the home. I introduced my self to the girl’s father, the officers, and the sergeant and began to provide some basic support services. After awhile the coroner’s investigator arrived and conducted his investigation and removed the officer’s daughter. After being there several hours my job was completed and I made arrangements to come back the next day and help the family with funeral planning and arrangements. The patrol sergeant and the officers were completing their investigation and ready to leave also.

I went to the sergeant and asked him how his officers were handling this very traumatic event? The officers didn’t have any hash marks on their sleeves and looked like they were probably just off probation. The sergeant said they were fine. That this was a good training experience for them. I asked if I could talk to them. He asked why? I replied that I just wanted to make sure that they were able to cope with this very traumatic event, the suicide of a young teenage girl, a fourteen year old, and the daughter of a fellow officer. His tone of voice indicated that he wasn’t impressed with my supervisory abilities and saw no need for anyone to interact with the officers. However, he said he didn’t care if I went and spoke to the them.

I met the officers at the street just as they had entered their car. I had introduced myself when I arrived and they had overheard much of what I had said to the girl’s father and what I had been doing. I bent down to be at eye level with them and I asked how they were handling this very traumatic event. There was silence. That awkward silence between a sergeant and an officer when they have been asked a question they obviously really don’t want to answer. Then the driver officer said, in a very low voice, “Sarge, what a shitty call this was.” Then after a moment the passenger officer leaned over and said, “I have a little girl at home and I can’t imagine that anything would be so bad in her life that she would kill herself.” Then the driver officer continued describing how this girl seemed to have everything, a nice home, a loving father. Yeah, her parents were divorced but they apparently loved her and provided everything she needed. There was no note or indication of what caused her to commit suicide. No one could understand why.

I explained to the officers that they were both new to the job, that this was a learning experience, but that hopefully they learned that they are human and have human emotions about what happened to her. That they both appeared to have some feelings they wanted to express but couldn’t while conducting their investigation. I asked if they wanted to join me for a cup of coffee. They declined.

I asked if they needed some time to get ready to go back out on patrol. To take a break and maybe talk to each other, since we had kind of opened some doors here. They asked if they could do that? Would their sergeant approve? I told them the sergeant approved me talking to them and now I was giving them an assignment.

I told them to take a break at the local coffee shop and show on their activities log that they were on a supervisor’s call and put my name as the initiating supervisor. I reminded them to be reasonable and listen for emergency calls in the area, but for awhile they could sit and unwind and talk about what they felt comfortable sharing with each other. Maybe ask each other how or what they would share with their wives when they got home. Or would they share? I hoped so.

While I was talking with the officers their sergeant left the scene. He never came over to say anything or see how they were doing and I doubt he ever would.

All I wanted to do was instill in the officers a sense of acceptance of their feelings, that it’s okay to be human. Yes, there is a proper time and place. But many times they need to make time and find a place. I think it was fortunate they were both fairly new to the job. Had either of them been partnered with a senior officer, I don’t know how the incident would have been critiqued. Good training and lets suck it up and handle the next call? Or, how it was a difficult incident to investigate and cope with the natural human feelings associated with it and let’s go get coffee.  

As a funeral coordinator, I often encountered situations where I realized that people, and many of them were officers, needed permission or some help to express their feelings. That they may need some help in making time and finding a place. But, if I didn’t give them permission or help, who would? It’s okay to be human. It really is.

John Cooley
Policefunerals.com

However, having worked at an academy, I know that changing the curriculum is difficult. If anything new is coming in, something old has to go out, and if it’s not mandated by law or POST then it’s even more difficult to find time for it. But this doesn’t mean we can’t find a way to educate officers about the traditional ceremonies and customs associated with a law enforcement funeral, especially a line-of-duty funeral.

When and how?

Once we decide to inform and educate officers, when should we do it and how should it be done? There are several options. We can provide training during National Police Week, on an anniversary date of an agency officer being killed, or when an officer has been killed either at an agency or close enough where representatives will be sent to the services.

I think an excellent time to educate officers is when a death occurs within their agency, because they are going to be intimately involved in the services and ceremonies or if a death has occurred within their region, especially if their agency will be represented. They now have a vested interest in the traditions and ceremonies.  

If a death occurs within an agency there should be roll call training on the historical ceremonial traditions that will be provided and that they will participate in for their officer, as well as the newer elements that have become popular, and anything special or unique that will be occurring. This training should be taught by the agency’s honor guard supervisor or a member of the unit and should include comprehensive handout material.   

If officers from an agency will be attending the services for another agency, they definitely should know and understand what they will be watching and participating in. Again, roll call training for everyone would not be inappropriate. But, for those actually attending, they should have a special briefing and training on the honors ceremonies they will likely experience.

Understanding Traditions

I won’t go into a historical explanation of the typical honors ceremonies and customs because there are resources available that provide that information. But, officers should be knowledgeable and understand how our law enforcement traditions came about, they should know about the casket flag and 13-step flag fold, Taps, and how the three-volley salute began. They should know about bagpipers, the riderless horse, and the helicopter missing-man formation fly over. They should know about the last radio call. They should understand the symbolic gesture of officers passing by the casket and placing white gloves or flowers on the casket. They should know that rendering a hand salute is part of an honorable ritual important to these ceremonies. They should understand that even though law enforcement is steeped in its funeral traditions that the family may add special events or gestures to these traditional honors ceremonies that we may not understand or agree with and that these personalized events do not detract from the importance or dignity of the law enforcement honors ceremonies.

Training officers about funeral traditions and honors ceremonies is important. But any endeavor to educate officers would be better received and retained if it is associated with a need to know and understand, unfortunately the death of an officer. It should not be a one time event. Every time an officer is killed in the line-of-duty locally and officers will be attending, a special briefing for them and roll call training for everyone else. If an officer within an agency is killed, special roll call training and special briefings for all personnel.

Another alternative is to have an agency wide training program every May during Police Week or the anniversary date of the last officer killed in the line-of-duty. Again, officers have a vested interest in the traditional honor ceremonies and most agencies have some sort of remembrance or recognition ceremony or will send representatives to a county or state ceremony. Merely lining officers up in a formation and having a chaplain and chief speak and then have the honor guard perform the traditional honors ceremony and then dismissing everyone does not foster a sense of understanding or truly validate the importance of these ceremonies.
We can not allow our traditional police funeral honors ceremonies to become merely an exercise in standing and saluting and watching without comprehending or understanding the significance and historical perspective of the ceremonies.   

But we cannot forget or overlook the surviving family of a deceased officer either. We typically tell them that there will be an honors ceremony and that’s it. We need to do more. We need to give them a comprehensive explanation of the ceremonies and their traditional roots. They need to understand what each element represents. They need to understand and appreciate how important the ceremonies are to, not only them but, the members of the involved agency and the law enforcement community. Again, the best presenter should be the honor guard supervisor or a member of the unit.

Families and officers who attend a line-of-duty funeral may forget the words they hear but they never forget the ceremonies. Our objective is to insure they understand them as well.

John Cooley
Policefunerals.com



At my seminars I am always told how things have been done at different agencies when an officer has died. 

These stories emphasize my belief that we don’t always treat our own officers or our surviving families in the best manner possible. Let me share some personal accounts of what has happened in the field:

• An officer was killed in the line-of-duty. His parents lived to far away to have the officer’s agency make the notification. They asked the agency where the parents lived to make the notification. A couple of officers arrived at the parent’s home and handed them a note, saying to call their son’s agency, and then they left. What’s the message?

• Breaking television news tells viewers that an officer has been shot and killed in a local community. The officer is not named. The wife of the involved officer calls the watch commander and asks him if the officer on the news is her husband. She is put on hold. What’s the message? 

• Parents of a deceased officer come to the station to pick up his personal property and are handed a trash bag. What’s the message?

• An officer is killed in the line-of-duty. The watch commander notifies all employees in the station by making the announcement over the public address system, using the code for End of Watch. What’s the message?

• An officer is killed in the line-of-duty and the announcement to all agency personnel is made by an internal e-mail. What’s the message?

Note: The last two situations may have been the most expedient means to notify the station personnel of the officer’s death, but the part that is missing is that there was no personal follow-up. All death notifications to our own personnel need to be made in-person, in-time, and with compassion. A P/A broadcast or an e-mail isn’t acceptable and doesn’t fulfill our obligations to our personnel.

• An officer is killed in the line-of-duty. His wife is an officer for the same agency. At one of the first planning team meetings some team members begin to criticize the surviving wife for not keeping her emotions under control and not being able to make some initial decisions. After all, she’s a police officer. What’s the message?

• The surviving wife makes the funeral arrangements. She overlooks the wishes and concerns of the deceased officer’s parents. They are regulated to being spectators with assigned seating. What’s the message?

This is why in my book and in my seminars I advocate that when a family liaison officer is assigned to the surviving family, another one is assigned to the deceased officer’s parents. The parents have a vested interest in the funeral arrangements and we should try to identify and meet their needs also.

• An officer is murdered by an ex-boyfriend. It is not work related. She is provided with a full line-of-duty funeral and ceremonies, including the helicopter fly-over, that is traditionally reserved for officers killed in the line-of-duty. The reasoning was that she was a stellar officer and one of the most popular officer’s in the agency. What’s the message?

I hope these incidents have provided you with some food for thought. It’s often not what we do but how we do it. It’s often over looking the needs of others because no one told us they have needs we should be aware of.

Traditions are not absolute but are important and should not be set aside by allowing emotional decisions to be made when we should be listening to the voice of reason and objectivity. Pre-planning is essential.

Training on how to plan, manage and coordinate police funerals is essential.

We always seem to do things right, but not always best. There is no room for mediocrity. Our goal is to not only do it right, but to do it best. We need to do better. So what’s the message?  

John Cooley
Policefunerals.com



However, as I got some experience I became aware that we weren’t treating our own people who were the first to be notified with as much preparation and compassion as we provided for the surviving family. Then I realized that often I had been notified of a death, at times of someone I knew, in a very brusque and abrupt manner. One I didn’t appreciate but didn’t have time to deal with.

As I would be involved with command and staff officers and chaplains and agency psychologists, those typically part of the notification team, I learned that they were the first to be notified of the death and were often informed in a very abrupt non-compassionate manner.

They would get a phone call from a supervisor whose objective was to follow the telephone notification list in the agency manual. The supervisor was involved in a crisis situation and things were chaotic and being “compassionate” was not something he gave a great deal of thought.   

There is a difference between the chief or command officer being called and told, “Chief, John Cooley was just killed in a shoot out.” As compared to, “Chief, it’s difficult for me to tell you but there was a robbery and a shooting and John Cooley was critically wounded. I need to inform you that he died at the scene.”  Give the person being notified time to process the information and be emotionally prepared for the information they know is coming. It takes some pre-planning and thought and a few extra seconds but it’s the compassionate thing to do.

Everyone who is notified or informed of the incident and the death needs to have it done with compassion. This includes the funeral coordinator. In small agencies especially, everyone knows everyone and any notification will be to someone who knows the deceased officer.

Regardless of how well or how poorly the crisis is being managed, there is no reason every notification cannot be done with compassion, in time, and in plain language.

John Cooley
Policefunerals.com


When I did this for the first time and I went to the wife and asked her permission to place any letters I may receive into the casket, she was overwhelmed with emotion and thought it was a wonderful gesture. When I went and spoke with the officer’s co-workers, a detective unit, my message was received with reservation but several people did submit letters addressed to the deceased officer.

I also invited the officer’s co-workers to write letters to the wife and family. I told them how talking to her and offering their condolences and sharing fond memories were good and important, that a letter was something the family could cherish and read for many years to come. Again, several people did submit letters addressed to the wife and family.

These letters are very personal and, for many people, very difficult to write. There are some fundamental guidelines funeral coordinators need to be aware of. The invitation to write these letters should be done one to three days after the death. Before peoples emotions become hardened and they become accustomed to the loss.

The invitation should be made by someone who understands and believes in the idea because it has to be sold, people have to be convinced that it is good for them and the family. The letters need to be turned in within two days after the invitation, regardless of when the services are. This is because the longer people wait the more they will procrastinate. They need a due date. The longer people have to submit the letter the more they will be tempted to go back over what they have written and begin to edit it and check it for grammar errors etc. It won’t be graded. It is an informal personal conversation. Write it, seal it, submit it.

This is a difficult thing for many people to do but they need to be aware of the opportunity. They need to be informed of the purpose of the letter, either personally or for the family. They need to be motivated by someone they know and trust and who believes in the importance of this request. They need to be provided a strict, but reasonable, time line for completion and submission.

If we don’t do it, who will?

John Cooley
Policefunerals.com




He looked at me and told me that if he had not known the funeral was for his father he would not have known who they were talking about. He commented on how all the eulogies about his father spoke of a man who was always there for his fellow officers. Who was so much fun to be with. Who was the BBQ master at all the station parties and fund raisers. He looked at me and said, “Sergeant Cooley, who were they talking about?”

I was dumbfounded. I had no answer. He continued on. He told me how he and his mother had never been on the ski boat that was parked in the driveway. His father refused to take it out on weekends because of the crowds and only used it during the week with his police buddies. Mom worked during the week and he was never invited. In fact his father always had weekdays off because he preferred to work weekends when traffic was less and there was more going on at work. He didn’t know his father was a BBQ master because he never used the BBQ at home for the family. Mom fixed every meal. He never repaired anything around the house or took care of the yard. The yard was the son’s job. The stories went on and on about an absentee father who, by choice, chose to be with his buddies and the job over his wife and son. It too was a tragic story.

The picture became all to clear. The officer had his family at the station. His whole world revolved around being a police officer and those he worked with. When I first met the family and began to make the funeral plans I was given a tour of the house. The officer had his den. It was a small converted bedroom with a large recliner chair and a big screen TV. A small table was on one side of the chair and an ice chest on the other. The wife explained her husband liked to relax when he was at home with a cold beer and a good movie. There were hundreds of movies on book shelves around the room. She hinted that he spent a lot of time in his den.

I was the funeral coordinator, not a counselor, but even I could recognize that the family had been estranged from one another even thought they lived in the same house. The “den” was a sanctuary; one chair, one ice chest, one TV. It was not for the family. I came to the conclusion that the officer likely had problems with alcohol. At funeral planning meetings at the station his buddies told some hilarious stories involving drinking and camaraderie at water skiing trips and station BBQ’s. The words dedication and commitment were always associated with the job and none of the officers mentioned his devotion to family.   

My conversation with the son was interrupted by the arrival of the officers who had attended the funeral. The buddies had arrived and arrived in style. In the lead of the caravan was a pickup truck with the truck bed filled with cases of beer and covered in ice. It was time for me to leave. I shared some personal thoughts with the son and made sure he had my business card and phone number. I spoke with the wife and reminded her that there were resources available to help her and her son through these tragic times. I promised myself to keep in touch.

I shared what I had learned with a department psychologist and was told that because the family was no longer officially dependents he could only offer short-term support but he would be generous with the definition “short-term.” He explained that if they needed continued support he would insure that he helped them find a good referral and not just tell them to go though their insurance provider.

I also spoke with the station chaplain and who promised to keep in touch with the family.

I met with the station’s recently assigned commanding officer. The story did not surprise him. The station was one of the oldest in the City and had a reputation for its camaraderie. He knew that there were officers who had been on the same watch longer than he had been on the job. He appreciated my sharing what I had learned and said that he would look into how, from a management perspective, he could possibly impact the potential for similar situations to occur.

When I read the article about the young man who had not known his father because he had been killed and I remembered the young man who should have known his father, I wondered which man had experienced the worst tragedy?

As a funeral coordinator I often encountered family situations that I found distressing. My job, and first priority, was to help the family plan the services. However, this did not mean I couldn’t care and try to provide various resources and support that may help them. Someone needs to care. If not me, who?


John Cooley  
Policefunerals.Com