It’s OK to Be Human

Editor’s note: On January 20, 2011 Detectives Roger Castillo and Amanda Haworth of the Miami Dade Police Department were shot and killed during a warrant service.  The suspect was also shot and killed.  This eulogy, from Miami-Dade Police Director James Loftus, powerfully amplifies the message of this week’s post by John Cooley, “It’s OK to be Human”.

A LATE NIGHT CALL…

While a funeral coordinator for my department, I received a call-out late one night about an officer’s teenage daughter who had committed suicide in their home. By the time I arrived a patrol unit was there with two officers conducting a death investigation. There was also a patrol sergeant at the home. I introduced my self to the girl’s father, the officers, and the sergeant and began to provide some basic support services. After awhile the coroner’s investigator arrived and conducted his investigation and removed the officer’s daughter. After being there several hours my job was completed and I made arrangements to come back the next day and help the family with funeral planning and arrangements. The patrol sergeant and the officers were completing their investigation and ready to leave also.

I went to the sergeant and asked him how his officers were handling this very traumatic event? The officers didn’t have any hash marks on their sleeves and looked like they were probably just off probation. The sergeant said they were fine. That this was a good training experience for them. I asked if I could talk to them. He asked why? I replied that I just wanted to make sure that they were able to cope with this very traumatic event, the suicide of a young teenage girl, a fourteen year old, and the daughter of a fellow officer. His tone of voice indicated that he wasn’t impressed with my supervisory abilities and saw no need for anyone to interact with the officers. However, he said he didn’t care if I went and spoke to the them.

I met the officers at the street just as they had entered their car. I had introduced myself when I arrived and they had overheard much of what I had said to the girl’s father and what I had been doing. I bent down to be at eye level with them and I asked how they were handling this very traumatic event. There was silence. That awkward silence between a sergeant and an officer when they have been asked a question they obviously really don’t want to answer. Then the driver officer said, in a very low voice, “Sarge, what a shitty call this was.” Then after a moment the passenger officer leaned over and said, “I have a little girl at home and I can’t imagine that anything would be so bad in her life that she would kill herself.” Then the driver officer continued describing how this girl seemed to have everything, a nice home, a loving father. Yeah, her parents were divorced but they apparently loved her and provided everything she needed. There was no note or indication of what caused her to commit suicide. No one could understand why.

I explained to the officers that they were both new to the job, that this was a learning experience, but that hopefully they learned that they are human and have human emotions about what happened to her. That they both appeared to have some feelings they wanted to express but couldn’t while conducting their investigation. I asked if they wanted to join me for a cup of coffee. They declined.

I asked if they needed some time to get ready to go back out on patrol. To take a break and maybe talk to each other, since we had kind of opened some doors here. They asked if they could do that? Would their sergeant approve? I told them the sergeant approved me talking to them and now I was giving them an assignment.

I told them to take a break at the local coffee shop and show on their activities log that they were on a supervisor’s call and put my name as the initiating supervisor. I reminded them to be reasonable and listen for emergency calls in the area, but for awhile they could sit and unwind and talk about what they felt comfortable sharing with each other. Maybe ask each other how or what they would share with their wives when they got home. Or would they share? I hoped so.

While I was talking with the officers their sergeant left the scene. He never came over to say anything or see how they were doing and I doubt he ever would.

All I wanted to do was instill in the officers a sense of acceptance of their feelings, that it’s okay to be human. Yes, there is a proper time and place. But many times they need to make time and find a place. I think it was fortunate they were both fairly new to the job. Had either of them been partnered with a senior officer, I don’t know how the incident would have been critiqued. Good training and lets suck it up and handle the next call? Or, how it was a difficult incident to investigate and cope with the natural human feelings associated with it and let’s go get coffee.  

As a funeral coordinator, I often encountered situations where I realized that people, and many of them were officers, needed permission or some help to express their feelings. That they may need some help in making time and finding a place. But, if I didn’t give them permission or help, who would? It’s okay to be human. It really is.

John Cooley
Policefunerals.com